He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
