my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
