You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Randomize
