i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
