I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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