Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
