Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
