She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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