I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
