If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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