I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
