i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
