I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize