I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
