Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When are your genitals available?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize