Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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