i just wanna soil my oats bro
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
