Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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