when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
