Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
