can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
