remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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