"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
