I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
