Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize