i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
