he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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