Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
