Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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