You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
