I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
as a side note pls kill me
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