so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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