she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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