Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We are two peas in an std pod
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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