How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
