What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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