I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
