So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
