I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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