If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
