Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
