i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
