apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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