remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
