I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
