remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize