you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
