she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
