Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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