i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
