No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
