OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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