On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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