eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
