i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
