I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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