I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
