Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
