I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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