Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Vodka?
Forever.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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