I met the friendliest cop last night
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
